Alright, so you finally made it, retirement. You spent decades working, paying taxes, and now all you want is some peace and quiet without some lunatic breaking into your house while you’re in the middle of your nap. So today, we’re counting down the 10 safest states to retire—because let’s be honest, you survived work, and now, you shouldn’t be starring in the latest episode of survivor.

#10 – Hawaii: Paradise Protected

Ah, Hawaii. The land of hula dancers, volcanoes that may or may not be active, and retirees living their best lives in floral shirts that haven’t been washed since the Reagan administration. If you’re looking for a safe place to retire, congratulations—you just found the Fort Knox of relaxation. The only real crime happening here is the price of groceries. Seriously, you ever pay $10 for a gallon of milk? It’s like Whole Foods and a hostage negotiator had a baby.

But let’s talk crime, the real kind. Hawaii’s violent crime rate sits at a comfortable 250 per 100,000 people, which means unless you pick a fight with a surfer over the last ripe mango at the farmer’s market, you’re good. Property crime is a little higher (2,700 per 100,000), but honestly? Half of that is just tourists “misplacing” their wallets after six Mai Tais. If a guy steals your flip-flops off the beach, is that really crime, or just natural selection?

Now, let’s talk logistics. You ever think about how impossible it is to be a criminal in Hawaii? Where are you gonna run? It’s a bunch of islands. You’re either taking a very slow kayak to California or getting tackled at the airport by a TSA agent who just wants his shift to be over. And let’s say you do manage to steal something big, like a car. Where are you going? Drive around for an hour and—boom—you’re right back where you started. This isn’t Cannon Ball Run, it’s a Hot Wheels track.

For retirees, this is paradise. The weather is perfect, the beaches are postcard-worthy, and the healthcare is solid—because when half the population is either retired or on vacation, you need good hospitals. The locals? Friendly. The vibes? Immaculate. The biggest danger? Accidentally getting into paddleboarding and realizing you have the balance of a newborn giraffe.

So yeah, Hawaii is safe. The only real risk is going broke from the cost of living—but hey, that’s just the price of waking up in paradise.

#9 – Iowa: Heartland Happiness

Alright, buckle up, folks, because we’re heading straight into the Midwest, where the crime rate is lower than the price of a gas station hot dog, and the biggest scandal in town is who actually won the county fair pie contest last summer. Welcome to Iowa, the land of corn, politeness, and an absurdly low crime rate. If safety had a physical form, it’d be an Iowan waving at you from their front porch while offering you a slice of homemade rhubarb pie.

Let’s talk numbers. Iowa’s violent crime rate sits at 267 per 100,000 people—which, let’s be honest, is basically nothing. That’s like one crime per square mile of farmland, and even then, it’s probably just a cow wandering into the wrong pasture. The property crime rate? About 1,900 per 100,000—which, in layman’s terms, means your biggest theft risk is leaving your garage open and having the neighbor “borrow” your lawnmower indefinitely.

Now, why is Iowa so safe? Simple. Everyone knows everyone. You commit a crime here, and before you even leave the scene, your neighbor has already called your mom, the sheriff, and the local diner waitress who somehow knows everything that happens in town. You’re not getting away with anything when Betty from the farmer’s market saw you sneaking out the back of the hardware store. The Midwest runs on politeness, corn, and passive-aggressive tattling.

Retirees love Iowa because it’s like stepping into a Norman Rockwell painting—peaceful, slow-paced, and full of friendly people who genuinely care how your day went. The cost of living? Dirt cheap. You could sell a broom closet in New York City and buy a full farmhouse out here, plus enough land to raise a few goats if you’re feeling adventurous. And if you ever do feel unsafe? Just walk into any gas station. There will be at least three old farmers in overalls who could take down a grizzly bear with their bare hands.

Honestly, the most dangerous thing about Iowa is the weather. The summers are hot, the winters are cold, and tornadoes show up just to remind you who’s boss. But hey, if you can handle a little wind and the occasional friendly debate over the best corn-growing techniques, you’ll be just fine.

So if you’re looking for safety, affordability, and an ungodly amount of small talk at the grocery store, Iowa is your spot. Just don’t expect to get away with anything—because around here, someone’s grandma is always watching.

#8 – Rhode Island: Tiny but Mighty Safe

Ah, Rhode Island—the smallest state in the country, where you can drive across the entire thing before your coffee even cools down. If safety were a contest, Rhode Island would be like that scrappy little guy in a bar fight who nobody takes seriously—until he knocks out a guy twice his size. This place might be small, but it’s mighty safe.

Let’s crunch some numbers. Rhode Island’s violent crime rate is 232 per 100,000 people, which is so low that your biggest risk is an aggressive seagull stealing your clam chowder. Property crime? About 1,500 per 100,000. And honestly? Most of that is probably just people forgetting where they parked at the beach and filing a “stolen car” report before realizing they just walked to the wrong lot.

So why is Rhode Island so safe? Well, for starters, there’s nowhere to run. You commit a crime here, and within five minutes, you’ve hit the ocean. What’s the getaway plan? Swim to Europe? Not happening. And if you think you can disappear into a crowd, good luck—this place is so small that everybody knows everybody. If you try to pull off a heist, the police won’t even need to investigate. They’ll just call your Aunt Linda, who will sigh and say, “Yeah, I saw him at the Dunkin’ drive-thru this morning.” Case closed.

Retirees love Rhode Island because it’s like a cozy New England postcard that somehow came to life. The seafood is fresh, the towns are adorable, and the crime rate is so low you can leave your beach chair unattended without fear of theft (although, again, watch out for seagulls—those guys have zero shame). And let’s not forget—Rhode Island might be tiny, but it packs a punch with culture. You’ve got mansions in Newport, artsy vibes in Providence, and beaches everywhere you turn. If you ever get bored, just drive 30 minutes in any direction and boom—new scenery.

Honestly, the only real danger in Rhode Island is Massachusetts drivers. These people treat stop signs like casual suggestions and act like they’re late to a NASCAR race at all times. If you survive a week of merging onto I-95, congratulations—you’re officially invincible.

Bottom line? Rhode Island is safe, scenic, and small enough that if anything did go wrong, someone’s uncle would have it handled before the cops even showed up. Retire here, enjoy the beach life, and most importantly—guard your seafood.

#7 – Connecticut: Charmingly Quiet

Connecticut is like that one rich uncle who wears tweed, collects antique clocks, and somehow never ages. It’s classy, calm, and—most importantly—absurdly safe. If you’re looking to retire somewhere with minimal crime, maximum fall foliage, and the kind of quiet that makes you wonder if you’ve accidentally entered a Norman Rockwell painting, Connecticut is your spot.

Now, let’s talk crime—or the lack of it. Connecticut’s violent crime rate is just 202 per 100,000 people, which means if you’re worried about danger, the worst thing you’ll encounter here is a passive-aggressive PTA meeting. Property crime? About 1,600 per 100,000. And I’m willing to bet at least half of those cases are just rich people reporting their monogrammed umbrellas stolen at the country club.

So, why is Connecticut so safe? Well, for one, every town here looks like it was designed specifically for a Hallmark Christmas movie. People aren’t breaking into houses when they’re too busy picking pumpkins or debating which historic bed-and-breakfast serves the best eggs benedict. Crime just doesn’t fit the vibe. Plus, this place is loaded with old money and gated communities, and if there’s one thing billionaires know how to do, it’s keeping riffraff out.

Retirees love Connecticut because it’s got the best of both worlds: peace and quiet, but also proximity to the chaos. Want a chill afternoon sipping coffee in a historic town square? Done. Want to take a quick train to New York City and experience just enough stress to remind you why you retired? Also an option. Plus, the healthcare here is top-notch—which is great because, let’s face it, if you’re retiring, you’re probably gonna need a good doctor sooner or later.

Honestly, the biggest threat in Connecticut is running into a pack of Yale students who won’t stop talking about their thesis. That, and the price of living—which, let’s be real, is a bit steep. But hey, you’re retiring, right? If you’ve made it this far, hopefully, you’ve got a little nest egg. And if not? Well, just make friends with someone who owns a guest cottage.

So, if you want a retirement filled with fall colors, coastal charm, and exactly zero sketchy neighborhoods, Connecticut is calling. Just be prepared for some of the most aggressively quaint town names you’ve ever seen—seriously, try saying “Farmington” out loud without feeling like you suddenly own a golden retriever.

#6 – Utah: Majestic and Mindful

Alright, let’s talk Utah—where the mountains are massive, the crime rate is microscopic, and everybody is somehow freakishly nice. Seriously, I don’t know if it’s the altitude or the lack of alcohol in some places, but Utahans are some of the friendliest people you’ll ever meet. This is the kind of place where if you leave your car unlocked, someone might actually break in just to fill your gas tank and leave you a motivational note.

But let’s get to the stats—because numbers don’t lie. Utah’s violent crime rate is just 236 per 100,000 people, which means your biggest danger here is twisting your ankle on a hiking trail. Property crime? About 2,100 per 100,000, but I’m guessing most of that is just ski equipment mysteriously “walking off” at resorts. You know some guy named Chad isn’t stealing your snowboard—he just thought it was his after one too many overpriced après-ski cocktails.

So, why is Utah so safe? Easy—everyone’s too busy being outdoorsy. You ever try to commit a crime while rock climbing? Not happening. People here are out hiking, mountain biking, skiing, and generally living their best lives in ways that make the rest of us feel incredibly lazy. Plus, Utah is big on community values, which means people actually look out for each other. You try to rob a house here, and before you even touch the doorknob, the entire neighborhood block watch, PTA, and local church group will have you cornered with plates of freshly baked cookies while waiting for the cops.

Retirees love Utah because it’s peaceful, scenic, and ridiculously clean. The air? Crisp. The scenery? National Geographic-level gorgeous. The biggest crime risk? Getting aggressively invited to a neighborhood barbecue where they don’t take no for an answer. And let’s not forget Utah’s healthcare is top-tier—which is great, because if you suddenly decide to take up skiing at age 70, you might need it.

Honestly, the only real danger in Utah is getting peer-pressured into hiking a mountain when all you wanted was a relaxing morning with coffee. That, and the weird liquor laws, where ordering a beer sometimes feels like applying for a mortgage. But hey, that’s a small price to pay for living somewhere where the scariest thing around is an overly enthusiastic Eagle Scout trying to help you carry groceries.

So if you’re looking for majestic landscapes, crime rates lower than a limbo stick, and neighbors who are so nice it’s borderline suspicious, Utah is your place. Just be ready to hear the phrase “Have you tried hiking?” at least three times a week.

#5 – Minnesota: Politeness Personified

Welcome to Minnesota, where the crime rate is low, the winters are aggressively cold, and the people are so polite they might actually apologize to you if you rob them. Seriously, I don’t know what’s in the water here—maybe something in the hotdish—but folks in Minnesota are so nice it’s almost suspicious. If you bump into someone at the grocery store, there’s a 90% chance they’ll say sorry before you even get a chance to react.

Now, let’s get into the stats. Violent crime? Just 236 per 100,000 people. That’s basically nothing. You’re more likely to get injured slipping on an icy sidewalk than getting mugged. Property crime? About 1,700 per 100,000. And let’s be real—half of those “stolen” items are just borrowed by a neighbor who meant to return them but got distracted by a Vikings game.

So why is Minnesota so safe? Because crime requires aggression, and Minnesotans just don’t have it in them. This is the land of Minnesota Nice—where people will shovel your driveway just because they finished theirs early. You try to break into someone’s house here, and they’ll probably invite you in for coffee and ask if you’re lost. You steal a car? The owner will track you down just to make sure you’re okay.

Retirees love Minnesota because of its top-notch healthcare, low crime, and sense of community so strong it could legally qualify as a cult. And let’s talk about those lakes—because there are over 10,000 of them. You could retire here and spend the rest of your life just trying to pick your favorite one. The only downside? Winter. It gets cold. Like, you-walk-outside-and-immediately-question-your-life-choices cold. But Minnesotans don’t even blink. They just throw on 14 layers, scrape the ice off their windshields with the determination of a Viking warrior, and go about their day like it’s nothing.

Honestly, the biggest danger in Minnesota isn’t crime—it’s getting stuck in a three-hour conversation with a friendly stranger at the gas station. These people love to chat. And if you don’t like hockey? Well, let’s just say… you will. It’s not optional. It’s part of the deal.

So if you’re looking for safety, lakes, world-class healthcare, and a level of kindness that should honestly be studied by scientists, Minnesota is your place. Just invest in a good winter coat—and be ready to get invited to at least five potlucks a year.

Let’s skate on over to #4

#4 – Massachusetts: History with Hospitality

Alright, welcome to Massachusetts, where history meets safety, and the biggest crime is how much the locals charge for a cup of clam chowder. If you’re retiring here, congratulations—you just picked a place where you’re statistically safer than your Wi-Fi password, as long as you stay off the road when the Boston drivers come out.

Let’s talk crime. Violent crime? 328 per 100,000. Which, okay, is technically a little higher than some other states on this list—but that’s because half of those incidents are just Red Sox fans yelling aggressively about baseball. Property crime? 1,260 per 100,000. Honestly? Most of that is probably just people in Cape Cod reporting their lobster traps missing.

So why is Massachusetts so safe? Two words: old money. You don’t mess with Massachusetts because the people here have connections. You try to pull off a heist in some charming New England town, and before you know it, a retired judge, a Harvard professor, and a guy named Sully from Southie are all personally invested in seeing you brought to justice. This state doesn’t need superheroes—it has powerful grandmothers who will out-negotiate any criminal.

Retirees love Massachusetts because it’s beautiful, historic, and packed with some of the best healthcare in the country. Seriously, you can trip and land in a world-class hospital. The medical care here is so good, you could probably pull a hamstring in the morning and be doing yoga again by lunch. Plus, if you’re the kind of person who loves old buildings, cobblestone streets, and randomly running into a historical landmark on your way to get groceries—this is your place.

Now, let’s address the elephant in the room: Boston drivers. Massachusetts is safe except for the roads, which are basically a version of the fast and the furious. If you survive merging onto I-93 during rush hour, congratulations—you can now legally list combat training on your résumé. The only thing more dangerous than a Massachusetts rotary (that’s a roundabout for non-locals) is trying to order a coffee at Dunkin’ without sounding like a local.

But aside from the occasional high-speed lane change, Massachusetts is a dream retirement spot. You get history, safety, healthcare, and beautiful seasons—yes, even winter, which is cold, but charming in that "New England snow globe" kind of way.

So if you want a safe retirement where your biggest concern is accidentally wandering into a Revolutionary War reenactment, Massachusetts is the place for you. Just, uh… maybe take the train instead of driving.

#3 – Maine: Coastal Comfort

Alright, now we’re talking about Maine—where the crime rate is practically nonexistent, the seafood is so fresh it still has opinions, and the biggest danger is getting stuck behind a moose on the highway. If you’re looking for safety, scenery, and a retirement that feels like you just finished a 3 hour Swedish massage to life, this is your place.

Let’s break down the numbers. Violent crime? 120 per 100,000 people. You know how low that is? That’s “your neighbor leaves their front door unlocked so you can borrow sugar” low. Property crime? 1,250 per 100,000. But let’s be honest—half of that is probably just someone “borrowing” a fishing boat without asking.

So why is Maine so safe? Well, first of all, it’s freezing half the year. You ever try to commit a crime when it’s negative 10 degrees outside? Not happening. You’d get halfway through robbing a gas station and just give up because your fingers are too cold to zip your coat back up. Plus, Maine is full of small towns where everyone knows everyone. You steal a lawnmower here, and by lunchtime, your face is on every bulletin board from Portland to Bar Harbor. You’d have better luck trying to rob a police station.

Retirees love Maine because it’s quiet, peaceful, and full of friendly people who just want to feed you lobster. Want to spend your golden years watching the waves roll in, sipping coffee on a wraparound porch, and debating with locals about the right way to eat a lobster roll? Maine is your dream come true. Plus, the healthcare is solid, and if you ever need a stress-free activity, you can always just drive around and look at lighthouses—seriously, Maine has like 60 of them.

The biggest risk in Maine? Nature. The winters are brutal, and the wildlife does not care about your retirement plans. You’ll wake up one morning to find a moose casually standing in your driveway, refusing to move. And trust me, you’re not winning that standoff. Also, the locals? Tough as nails. You’ll meet 90-year-olds who still chop their own firewood and look at snowstorms the way most people look at mild traffic delays.

So if you want peace, safety, and the kind of quiet that makes you wonder if time just moves slower here, Maine is the place. Just be prepared—once you move here, you will be required to have a very strong opinion about clam chowder.

#2 – New Hampshire: Quietly Bold

Alright, folks, let’s talk New Hampshire—where the crime rate is so low, your biggest threat is running out of maple syrup. If you’re looking for a place that’s safe, beautiful, and full of people who just want to be left alone to enjoy their tax-free shopping, then congratulations—you found it.

Now, let’s look at the stats. Violent crime? Just 152 per 100,000 people. That’s so low, your biggest fear here might be accidentally cutting someone off in traffic and having them politely give you a disapproving head shake. Property crime? 1,250 per 100,000. And honestly? Half of that is probably just moose wandering into backyards and knocking over lawn furniture.

So why is New Hampshire so safe? Simple—people here have no time for nonsense. This state has a Live Free or Die mentality, which basically translates to: “Don’t bother me, and I won’t bother you.” It’s the perfect combination of friendly but independent—which is exactly why retirees love it. Want neighbors who will wave hello but won’t ask invasive questions about your retirement savings? Boom—New Hampshire.

Another huge perk? No state income tax. That’s right, your retirement savings actually get to stay in your pocket instead of being slowly siphoned off by the government. You could spend those savings on a lakeside cabin, a snowmobile, or—if you really want to blend in—flannel shirts and a pickup truck.

Retirees flock here because it’s calm, peaceful, and full of stunning landscapes. You’ve got mountains, forests, and lakes that look like they were designed specifically for inspirational calendar photos. It’s the kind of place where you can spend your mornings hiking, your afternoons drinking coffee in a small-town café, and your evenings sitting by the fire, wondering why you didn’t retire sooner.

The only real dangers? Winter is intense, and moose accidents are a legitimate concern. You think hitting a deer is bad? Try colliding with a seven-foot-tall, 1,500-pound animal that doesn’t care about your car insurance rates. If you’re driving at night, just assume every dark shape on the side of the road is a moose deciding whether or not to ruin your week.

But other than that? New Hampshire is about as safe and stress-free as it gets. You get a quiet, beautiful retirement, tax-free savings, and the comforting knowledge that no one here is going to bother you unless you specifically invite them to do so.

So if you want peace, nature, and neighbors who will absolutely help you if you need it but won’t force you to make small talk, then New Hampshire is calling. Just, uh… watch out for moose.

#1 – Vermont: Maple Syrup Paradise

And here we are, folks—the safest state in America. If you’re looking for a place where crime is practically an urban legend, neighbors still look out for each other, and the biggest threat to your safety is overdosing on pancakes, welcome to Vermont.

Let’s talk numbers. Violent crime? 172 per 100,000 people. That’s so low, you’re more likely to be attacked by a particularly aggressive gust of autumn wind than a criminal. Property crime? 1,500 per 100,000. And even that is just people accidentally leaving their barn doors open and having a couple of cows wander off.

So why is Vermont so safe? Because nobody here has time for crime. People are too busy tapping maple trees, knitting their own sweaters, and arguing over which tiny town has the best fall foliage. If someone did try to commit a crime, the entire community would hear about it before they even had a chance to leave town. This place is so small and tight-knit, you can’t even cut in line at the general store without word getting back to your grandmother before dinner.

Retirees love Vermont because it’s peaceful, charming, and full of people who genuinely care about their neighbors. You want a place where you can take long, worry-free walks down scenic country roads? Vermont’s got you. Want to wake up every morning to mountains, lakes, and fresh air so pure it actually feels illegal to breathe? This is the spot. Want to spend your days eating farm-fresh cheese and perfecting your ability to tell the difference between 15 different shades of red leaves in the fall? Boom—Vermont.

The biggest dangers in Vermont? 1) Moose-related traffic incidents, 2) accidentally joining a community craft fair, and 3) getting too deep into artisanal maple syrup culture. You think syrup is just something you drizzle on waffles? Oh no, my friend. In Vermont, syrup is a way of life. These people have opinions. You move here, you’d better be ready to have a serious conversation about the proper way to grade maple syrup and why store-bought brands are a personal insult.

So, if you’re looking for peace, security, stunning nature, and a crime rate so low it feels like a clerical error, Vermont is THE place to retire. Just be ready for a lot of friendly neighbors, fresh air, and the sudden realization that every other place you’ve lived was way too stressful.

And with that—congratulations! You now know the 10 safest states to retire in. Whether you’re into lakes, mountains, beaches, or just not getting robbed, there’s a perfect place for you. Just, uh… keep an eye out for moose. Let’s Do Good Together.